Me and my friends call it “the pillow”. It’s when a guy gets on top of you, puts his dick inside you, and starts fucking you while he buries his head in the pillow – NOT LOOKING AT YOU.
This happened to me with an Albanian man a while ago and when I tried to address in a conversation later and he became very stressed.
I kindly asked him to look at me while he was fucking me and his answer was “It was 5 in the morning” and then he changed the topic.
It was not 5 in the morning, it was more like 11 and does it matter? Turned out it didn’t since he didn’t look at me in the night either.
Sex in Kosovo is like the Crucifixion of Jesus Christ. Very sad and depressing for all. In one sentence the problem with sex in Kosovo is that men have no idea of what they are doing and women are too afraid of being judged as sluts to show them what they REALLY want.
Women are afraid of having sex
I have had many conversations about sex with women and here are a few things I have picked up on:
- Women are afraid to have as much sex as they want to since they are afraid to be viewed as sluts.
- Women are afraid to get pregnant.
- Women are afraid to show men what they like in bed since they are afraid of being judged as whores.
- Women are afraid of show pleasure since that can result in being judged as a whore.
- Women are afraid of taking initiatives since that can result in being judged as a whore.
- Women are afraid of telling their lover/boyfriend how many they have slept with since he can get jealous of her previous experiences with other men.
- Women are afraid of being talked about as sluts and whores whether they sleep with a man or not.
- Women are afraid of getting cheated on by their husband/boyfriend.
- Women are afraid of not being respected during sex.
- Women are afraid of getting sexually abused/raped.
I think all women share number 9 and 10 more or less. In Sweden we have been speaking about consent a lot lately. Especially after metoo. We even changed our law.
The bottle rape and consent law
Before 2018 rape was only when the perpetrator used violence and threat. But with the new consent law, it became illegal to have sex with a person who hasn’t actively shown they want to have sex.
The fight for the new law started after the so-called bottle rape that happened in Sweden 2012. A group of guys raped a 14-year-old girl with a wine bottle so that she was bleeding for 2 days.
Still, the district court freed the three men since they ruled it wasn’t obvious that the girl didn’t want it. That she was holding her legs together could have been a sign of being shy.
No one asked her if she wanted to have the wine bottle in her vagina, and she didn’t say anything either. In the hearing, she said she got so afraid when they were holding her and pulling her arms she didn’t dare to speak.
Eventually, the Court of Appeal convicted one of the men, but by then it was clear we needed a new law that protects women more since women are the victims of sexual violence in 98% of the cases.
Sexual freedom in Sweden
So I share the fears of getting not listened to – getting abused/raped. Especially since I’ve experienced sexual abuse before. Trust and communication become extra important.
But when it comes to the other fears that are more based on getting judged I’ve been very privileged to grow up in a country and culture where women’s sexuality is freer. So I don’t fear those things.
First of all, we have super easy access to abortion and birth control and have had for quite some time. 1964 birth control pills became legal and in 1974 abortion become legal.
1955 sexual education in schools becomes mandatory and 1966 the coil (IUD) becomes legal. This is the birth control I have. It hurt like hell to put it, but it was totally worth it! I did it after I got pregnant and made an abortion. TOTAL LIFE CHANGER!
In Scandinavia, more than every second 19-year old woman uses some form of hormonal birth control, either the implant in the arm or the coil. And for women up to 25, it’s for free or 10€ at the highest cost.
Low awareness about sex in Kosovo
I have met young people in Pristina that have never heard about different kinds of birth controls apart from condoms. And sadly many women in Kosovo don’t have access to either birth control or abortion.
The awareness about sex and reproductive health in Kosovo is still very low and the ones who are suffering from it are the women.
I have had a lot of emails lately from readers requesting me to write more about abortion rights, STDs, counseling for birth control etc.
So I have decided to do a social media campaign about sex.
Pressure on women from society
My friend who is a medical doctor brought a huge box full of condoms to young people in a village. Sadly an old woman but them all up since she thought it was up to God when a woman becomes pregnant.
This is a bit of an extreme example, but speaking with professionals I have learned that there are many women in Kosovo, particularly in the rural areas, that are not in control of their reproductive health.
They might not afford or have access to birth control, but then they might be controlled by others, husband, and family, to have children even if they would have chosen differently themselves.
My sad experiences
I have been very disappointed when it comes to sex in Kosovo. One strange thing for me that has happened many times is that the man just cum and then its over.
This is almost a crime in Sweden! If a man just gets his orgasm and then rolls over he is a total loser. I mean if he doesn’t care. If he happens to cum before the girl and excuse himself and go out in the snowstorm to buy pizza or Chinese food, then he is forgiven.
But here in Kosovo men just do their thing and then you’re left there on shock wondering how it could end before it even started.
Another problem is that they have no idea of what they are doing. It’s like they have this porn based manual and then they just press start.
Boom boom porn based style
Me and my friends call it “boom boom”. And trust me, there’s a lot of porn based “boom boom” – with no feeling, no communication and no enjoyment for women – going on here in Kosovo.
I think most women can enjoy intense and sometimes even hard and rough sex. I can. But YOU as a man have to take me to that place.
Porn as the only source of information
The men here base most of their knowledge about sex and what women want on porn. Since no other source of information is available. And since it’s such a taboo subject to speak about.
And the men here have such an overdose of confidence and such a huge lack of self-esteem and self-awareness. War, trauma, poverty and lack of education have really deprived them of many rights and possibilities.
Being “a slut” in Kosovo is being human in Sweden
And the women deserve more and want more, but if a Kosovar woman would fuck around like Swedish women are, sometimes fucking many different guys per week just because we want to and have the time to, she would be publically shamed – trust me.
I fucked a guy on a balcony here in Pristina. I fucked American soldiers in every military base in South Korea. I fucked so many guys. And in my culture, this is not shameful. It’s normal. For men – AND for women.
War, rapes and domestic violence
But yes, there are a lot of things explaining why the sex in Kosovo is like one tragic long Crucifixion. So much sad context to add.
During the war 1998-1999 around 20.000 women got raped. That trauma still lives on here even if we don’t talk about it so much.
Men also carries a lot of trauma from war and have never really had anyone listening to their experiences. They have just had to suck it up and forget about mass graves and dead slaughtered children. Can you imagine?
Then I haven’t even mentioned how sex is for women that live under domestic violence. And they are many in Kosovo. 68% of women here have experienced domestic violence.
The other day when I felt so sorry for myself since the sex I had didn’t turn out to be what I hoped for, I started thinking about all the women that get beaten here and how they have nowhere to go.
Victims here can’t leave their abusers because most of them are financially dependent on them. And there is no support from them from society.
There are shelters, yes, but it’s a very big difference living in a shelter having people feeding you (and your kids) or being able to move into your own apartment and get some sort of financial support from the government until you are ready to start working.
How I left an abusive relationship
I left an abusive relationship, and it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done and it made me lose my hair, it made me physically sick, I started getting anxiety and panic attacks. It almost destroyed me.
I remember that I was sitting in the shower one day thinking “if I stay I will commit suicide, but still that feels less scary than leaving”.
I went back a few times but then I made it out. I had professional help, both privately and group therapy.
But to leave a man in a village in Kosovo, that you have kids with and who you depend on, and there is no financial support for you and it’s not even sure you will get supported by your family:
Seriously, HOW is that supposed to be possible?!
Swedish men talking about not getting hard during sex
And on top of men and women’s different problems and fears when it comes to sex. Obviously, men also has fears when it comes to sex – even if they would almost never speak about it publically.
To try to imagine the Swedish concept “Killmiddag” – Guys dinner here in Kosovo is on the edge of impossible.
Guys dinner in Sweden is when men meet together in their apartments/houses for dinner and then they have a special protocol (that can be found online) with topics related to men’s problems/issues.
For example, they can speak about harmful masculinity norms or about fear of not getting hard during sex. All these taboo things.
And even if not all men do it in this structured form Swedish men speak very openly different fears they have related to sex, relationship, and life. They speak about their feelings. A lot.
I cried after we had sex
I had sex with this guy recently that I like. And I was sooooo excited about it. Then after I got so disappointed and sad so I started crying.
It was too aggressive, too hard, too much, too soon, too much like porn and press play and I felt SO LONELY and just like a toy, not a person. I tried to show him how I wanted it but he didn’t understand. He tried, but no.
And then I was super low afterward and needed him to ask me how I felt. I needed to talk with him. But he can’t talk about these things so he just ignored me. Didn’t say anything. That’s when I started crying.
And I’m this person who get REALLY sad if people don’t care about me when I show clearly that I am sad. So when he didn’t say something even if he saw that I was crying – I JUST CRIED EVEN MORE. OMG, I CRIED.
But he didn’t say anything.
Then we didn’t get the chance to speak since his friends came so I texted him and explained. He understood and took it really well. He was sorry and all, but still we can’t speak about it when we meet. Even if I try to bring it up he has NOTHING to say. He is just quiet. And that makes me feel so lonely.
I try sometimes to say to him that I need to about my feelings with a man and not just about buildings, other people or tell jokes. But it’s like he has no idea of what I’m talking about.
I hate the cheek pinching
One day in the car I was getting so upset in the car about him not talking to me and this thing he does when he smacks my legs and pinches my cheek like old people do with babies. OMG!
I know men do it here, but can I ask you, women: Do you like it? For me, it’s just so weird and it feels like being treated as a child. And it hurts. The smacking and the pinching, what’s up with that!? I want a man to touch me gently and sexy, not hit me like I’m his buddy or pinch me like I’m a baby.
So after having told him about this like like five I lost it. And I just yelled and yelled at him in the car. Poor man. But still no reaction. Yeah, he drove super fast. Very passive aggressive. That was his reaction.
Why do I see him?
Yes, WHY do I see this man? When he upsets me so much. Well, the thing is (apart from all these other things) he is actually really kind and caring. He makes me laugh and he fixes everything for me.
But one time I needed to work somewhere and these friends of the President of Kosovo fixed an enormous penthouse with a huge view. Then one day I needed sleeping pills and he drove me to like 10 different places.
Then one time he saved me from the police when I got in trouble. And another time on his only day off he drove me to Mitrovica and waited for 2 hours in the car when I was working, then drove me back.
And he sends these really sweet messages and one time he called me his best friend. I loved that text.
But yeah, it’s not like he could be my boyfriend. There is a lot of talking that happens before something like that. But it’s ok, because I don’t want a boyfriend. I love my freedom and I just left my ex a few months ago.
I love being able to do what I want when I want it and with who I want.
Even in Kosovo, one of the most depressing places to be single in the world.
But hopefully, something positive, maybe not eternal life like Jesus fixed, but some other good stuff can come out of my sexual scarification.
(Om du gillar min blogg, stötta den gärna med Swish: 070-2592670). Tack!