So you know I like this guy who likes fli and I’ve been seeing him for a few weeks. It has been fun, but it has also been hard. He doesn’t speak good English, we are extremely different and communication is NOT his strongest side.
Then he is also fasting which completely sucks from my selfish point of view because I wanna kiss and touch him all the time.
Sill he is kind, generous, funny, warm and caring. And he is handsome and really attractive. Every time I’m with him I just want him to push me up against the wall and kiss me. The only problem is, he never does that.
Meeting his friend
And yesterday he picked me up in his car. Some of you know my dad has been to the hospital for heart surgery this week and I also had a crazy stalker who followed me home and tried to get into my apartment.
So I needed him. I needed his attention and support and just to be close to him and talk to him. And I needed him to kiss me.
Then in the middle of me talking he says that we are going to pick up his friend. A girl he knows. And I got excited. You know when you like a person you just wanna meet all their friends.
But then when she got into the car they just start speaking Albanian. And they talk and talk and I just sit there quiet.
I was actually in the middle of a story before we picked her up. About this stalker that tried to get into my apartment, but that was not interesting or important for him anymore.
So they talked and talked until I asked them to speak English. Then they started to speak a bit more English.
She starts touching him
But then all of a sudden she started to put her arm around him. I thought that was so strange and it instantly hurt me.
And then she started touching his neck and hair, holding her arm on him and stroking him while they were laughing together.
I started to panic and to think about how I could get back home to Pristina. But there are no taxis now and it was very late, so I was stuck with them.
Then she started touching his arm. So she was sitting in the backseat having one arm around him and the other one touching his arm.
I started to feel sick
I started to feel like I needed to throw up. Or that some sort of panic attack started inside of me. I got so stressed.
And then I started thinking about people who could pick me up, but I couldn’t come up with anyone.
So I knew that I had to sit there for at least an hour. So I just sat there totally quiet fighting to hold my tears back.
Finally, we reached this place we were going to (to deliver something) and started to drive back to Pristina. They asked me why I was sad but I just sad because of family problems. I just wanted to go home. I was so sad and hurt.
I couldn’t hold back my tears
But after a while, I couldn’t hold my tears back. So I cried quietly hiding it. And I cried because it was so painful for me sitting there having to watch the way that she touched him, being close to him.
Having her arms around him talking about all sort of things that I didn’t understand. I have never felt more left out.
It really felt like they were the ones dating and I was the friend. Or that I was air. Or nothing. And she just kept on touching him.
An intimate way of touching
I mean touching a man’s neck, his hair, his arms, stroking him and putting your arms around him – is an intimate way of touching someone and you don’t have to have a degree in psychology to understand that.
Do you agree? Or am I missing something?
And I think what hurts the most is that the way she touched him is the way I want him to touch me. But instead of touching me like that he has been hitting me like a dude, squeezing my cheek and tickling me.
Squeezing cheeks is a thing
Some of my friends here told me that squeezing the cheeks is a thing here. That it’s something people/couples sometimes do. I had no idea.
So please, when I ask if something is cultural is because I wanna try to change lense, making sure I’m not missing anything that might be cultural – like squeezing the cheeks which I had no idea about.
But mostly it is because I want to make people here comment and discuss a certain topic. In this case, dating. And yes, dating here and dating in Sweden are two completely different worlds.
I think if people just moved from here to Sweden many would feel extremely confused over some things that are very standard procedure of dating in Scandinavian culture.
It takes months to become a couple in Sweden
For example it took me 6 months to tell my first boyfriend I loved him. And it took me a year to allow my ex to call me his girlfriend.
Sweden is probably the most individualistic country in the world. At least we have the most single households in the world. And lots of people that are together have their two separate places. It’s not strange at all.
Ok, so finally. What is the point with this whole rant?
I want to hear what you have to say about intimacy. Do you feel like there is a lot of intimacy in your relationships?
And what does intimacy mean for you? And can you give some examples?
I have personally experienced that men here in Kosovo have a lot of problems with intimacy. But I wanna hear your experiences.
Men being porn damaged
Also I have just experienced men being so porn damaged, unaware of what women really want and need sexually and getting extremely deflecting or passive-aggressive when trying to speak with them about feelings or sex.
It’s a world-wide problem of course, but I believe it’s more of a problem in cultures where there is a stigma on talking about sex and where there is no sexual education like here.
So what becomes young mens only source learning about sex? Porn. And does it turn them into great lovers? No. At least not in my opinion.
Violence and intimacy
And when we look at the statistics of violence for example, and attitudes around violence we see that:
- 68% of women in Kosovo have experienced domestic violence and that
- 31.3% of citizens in Kosovo think that domestic violence is a family matter that should not be reported to the police
- 41.5% of men believe that girls sometimes deserve to be hit by boys
Violence is of course not something that can be combined with intimacy. And violence is still something here that is very wide-spread, socially accepted, and present in many women’s relationships.
I want to hear your thoughts
But I’m not trying to analyze this topic deeply at this point.
Instead I just wanted to share my experience hear what you have to say about intimacy. And not just people in Kosovo, but anyone.
What happened in the end?
Well, I tried to explain it for him. But he did not understand a single thing of what I was saying.
He started saying I was wrong about their relationship. Explaining how they were just friends and that I was mistaken.
Mistaken about what? I never made any claims or accusations. He totally, and I mean TOTALLY, missed the point.
It was simply about how she was touching him. And how it made me feel.
But no, he couldn’t understand why it made me feel sad.
It is not Albanian culture
And no, I don’t think it’s because it’s Albanian dating culture to let other women have their hands all over you in front of the woman you’re seeing.
At the same time I don’t think it happened because he is a bad person.
I simply think it’s because he don’t understand intimacy. And how much it can hurt if someone else is showing intimacy with a person you like and that person is letting it happen.
Have you experienced anything like this before?
And do you have a lot of intimacy in your relationship or dating life?
Please share your thoughts!
And thank you for sending love yesterday on Fb when I shared this!
Have a wonderful weekend!
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